Watching from the outside is one of the most challenging places to be when a loved one is manipulated and abused. We are glad you’re here. Thank you for learning about romance scams, their red flags, how fraudsters scam the innocent, and what is being done. Your loved one is so fortunate to have you. Even if, at this moment, you may look like the “bad guy” in their eyes, you are the hug and comfort they will need once they understand after so much time, they were emotionally, psychologically, and financially abused. One of the most challenging questions we could ask ourselves is, “Is my loved one being scammed?”
You hear that your friend/family has a new love interest. They talk about them daily. You hear how wonderful they are, what they do for work, how romantic he/she is, how they ask for gift cards to help pay to talk with them longer, the amount of time they speak during the da…. WAIT WHAT? Are they sending gift cards to this “wonderful person”? This new person has been present in your loved one’s life for less than a few weeks, and they are already asking for something of monetary value. The red flags couldn’t be swaying any harder, but how do you get your friend/family to “see” these warnings? What is the first thing you must do when encountering a similar situation?
Let’s Talk!
A vast majority of the world has heard of romance scams. We are all somewhat aware of the matter and know that when we are approached by a stranger who asks for money, we say no! Right? We shouldn’t have to question, which is why more education needs to come in. We know not to send money, but are we aware of the deep manipulation before one penny is requested?
When your friend/family member makes you aware of their new love interest, the love bombing has already transpired. Words are used as a weapon by scammers. They are fully aware that many of the victims they “catch” need terms of endearment that make them feel worthy of the promises of a perfect life everyone dreams of.
To help the victim to the best of your ability (we say this because once manipulation “sets in,” a licensed therapist is usually the most appropriate help a victim can receive), you should understand the scammer’s ways. You’ll need to know precisely how the manipulation can affect your loved one’s decision-making abilities. Only then will you be able to have some understanding and compassion for those who have suffered such a scam? They will need your empathy and support during one of the most difficult times of their lives.
Now, how in the world do you break the news?
Being the bearer of bad news is never a good situation. It’s tough to tell your loved one on cloud 9, maybe for the first time in several years, that the person they are talking to is not interested in them but their money only. How do you tell your loved one they are being scammed? It’s so tough. This blog has a few suggestions to help you approach your loved one.
To be sure, the manipulation has already begun by the time you are made aware of the new love interest. Being told by your loved one that “you’re just jealous of their happiness” or “you don’t know him/her as they do” are typical responses.
Prepare for the Pushback
The pushback or defensive response is a typical initial reaction. Accordingly, we should be prepared as friends/family. Introducing a conversation about this new love interest not being a sincere “relationship” but one of deceit is more than attempting to inform. Additionally, it is a strategic way of “planting a seed.” Approaching the victim with your concerns should be done gently. Start by reviewing past statements your loved one told you. Then, inform them that these are red flags of online romance scams.
Practical Examples of How to Approach Your Loved One Being Scammed
Always leave the conversation with the door open. Thus your friend or family member knows they can come to you for more questions or support. Hopefully, they’ll realize and let you know your information was spot on.
Judging a victim will cause them to shut down and run toward the scammer. For a time now, the scammer has told them what they feel they need to hear. This is a form of mental hijacking. With this in mind, take it slow.
Even though you informed them of all the red flags and showed them article after article on romance scams, the manipulation usually wins. Until that one sad day when their world comes crashing down. Consequently, your friend/family will be so grateful you left that door open.
Approaching your loved one.
Start with:
You: “Do you remember telling me how your new love interest said they (add red flags here)? I’ve heard these are a few signs of an online romance scam. I am informing you so you can check them out, too, if you’d like.”
*HINT: Feel free to say you came across an AARS TikTok while watching scrolling videos.
End with:
You: “I can look up more information if you’d like. Just let me know!”
Of course, every situation is different. As a friend or family member, having to watch a scammer victimize your loved one is heartbreaking at best. There are a few things that you can do on your end to inform the victim and help put your mind at ease. No, not all victims will take the advice, but you know you are doing what you can do from your end. At some point, your loved one will need to see the scam themselves. Unfortunately, and all too often, it’s after you have exhausted all your efforts. But this is what it’s all about: family love and scammers.
First and Foremost
- First things first, do not enable your loved one
- Do not loan your loved one money. Do not drive them to the bank, cosign for a loan, etc.
- Trust is where advocating is based.
- Provide education on romance scams from a reputable organization or government entity.
- Find sources recognized as certified, licensed, or registered in or specializing in romance scams.
Do You See What I See?
Use a reverse image search tool such as Google Images or TinEye to download the picture the scammer is using. These sites are valuable tools to see if the photo is used elsewhere, such as dating sites, under other profiles with different names, or even legitimate image postings.
If you find any matches that help back up your reasoning, give them to your loved one. You could say: “Because of the red flags and my concerns, I did some research, and here is what I found. If you want me to help you find this information, I am happy to do that.” Leave the conversation at that, again with the door open. Not pushing is one of the concerned person’s most significant challenges in the family love vs. scammer conversations.
If your loved one addresses your concerns directly with the scammer, they may suggest they move to other platforms and more ‘secure’ communication channels. Just know that it’s another step of control and manipulation, and it happens, as we shared in an earlier blog about red flags and moving the convo.
Family Love vs. Scammers
Contact the victims’ closest FBI office and ask to speak with a Victim Specialist. Specialists can often visit the victims’ homes or call them to discuss the potential hazards of romance scams. Sometimes, victims will listen to someone from a law enforcement agency instead of their friends and family.
If you know at which branch your potential victim banks, you can also call in an anonymous tip in hopes they will create a note or red flag on the victim’s account. Reporting could better recognize any odd transactions within the victim’s account.
An Adult Protective Services department through their county can also be an option. You can call in anonymously and give a tip that your loved one is experiencing emotional, financial, and psychological abuse. This is tough for some, but it could be a game changer in the family love vs. scammer journey.
Love is Blind, and So is Victimization
The scammers have an answer for every question and concern their victim poses. The scammer will coerce their victim into cutting ties with their friends and family because people from the outside have a clearer view of what is happening than those inside a romance scam. Unfortunately, there are times when the victim cannot see they are being scammed. This is the true definition of “love is blind.” They do not believe that someone so loving and attentive can bring such evil into their life. How do you compete with that? Unfortunately, the truth is, sometimes you just cannot.
Educate, but Leave the Door Open
You’ve educated your friend/family member all about online romance scams. But you continue to hear the scammers’ outlandish stories and why they request money. And you know their vows are empty promises. There comes a time when you must realize you have done all you can and heard all you can listen to.
It can be so hard to step away. Especially when you see your friend/family being abused the way they are. Please know there is only so much you can do. The seeds of truth are now planted. You have offered your love, friendship, and guidance. Now, you are leaving the door of support open.
The Negative Impact
Experts cannot stress enough how debilitating brainwashing can be regarding a victim’s ability to make rational decisions. Consequently, that is difficult for you as you watch from the outside. The negative impact is almost immeasurable. An article on ResearchGate concerning the psychological effects on victims details how the criminal grooms the victim, using online media, in particular, to develop a close, intimate relationship with the victim. Therefore, do your best to comprehend this abuse with compassion, patience, and understanding.
Don’t rule out seeking licensed therapy for yourself. You are a victim in this trauma web, too. You have to try and save your loved one. It’s normal to be worrying about their future. Feelings of being defeated and emotionally battered are common. However, that makes you a kind, wonderful person, and your loved one is fortunate to have you in their life!
Federal Help
Finally, suppose you have information on the scammer (name, email, phone number, address, etc.). In that case, you can always report them on behalf of your loved one through the IC3.gov site (where to report cybercrimes to the FBI).
You may not hear anything back from the FBI once you file. However, the information they receive is added to a data bank and correlated to match other details. We’ve heard of people receiving notice years later that their information was integral in indictments for romance scams.
The Impact
Foremost, we want you to know a victim’s actions and inability to understand what they are going through in a romance scam is nothing negative towards you. Sadly, it is the debilitating side of mental and emotional manipulation. The impact of these scammers on their victims can be so profound some victims will turn against their family members, children, and friends. Consequently, the separation can be ruthless and painful at the moment. But saving your loved one from more victimization will be worth it.
Advocate Against the Impact of Scammers
You’ve either experienced or seen the impact up close and personal. You’ve been through the gambit of emotion. True to that old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” neither do scammers know the fury of their victimization that’s now headed their direction. And that of their family members. The anger underscoring the advocacy due to a scammed loved one hasn’t been measured yet.
How can you help as an advocate?
Advocating Against Romance Scammers is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization. We provide a free website, informational brochures/PSAs, and a voice for the victims during seminars and congressional meetings. If you want to help and bring more awareness, everything on the AARS site is free. You are welcome to print or share anything you find. The goal is to make every online user aware of scammer tactics and to bring normalcy and encouragement in reporting romance scams to law enforcement. AARS aims to warn people about the abuse laid upon the victim before their money, photos, or informational transactions can occur. Education is the key to countering the pending psychological damage.
We hope you have taken away an understanding and strategies for dealing with a loved one’s mindset resulting from a romance scam. If you have any questions, concerns, or comments, please feel free to email us at aars@advocatingforu.com
Take care of yourself first. Understand the significant mental hijacking and destruction one endures during the scam. Leave the door open when conversing with someone you think is being scammed. Finally, we can only do our work with the support of donors. If you would like to donate to AARS, please see the donation button on the home page of this website.
